The We Do guide to planning a hen

Set up the group chat first

Four minutes of work that saves about forty messages. One group, on whatever the group already uses, with everyone who is invited in it.

Name it something that does not give the game away if a phone is left face up. Sarah, August beats SARAH HEN LISBON.

Pin one message and keep it current: the date, the all-in cost, what that cost covers, and the address. Most of the questions you would otherwise answer eleven times are answered by a pinned message.

Keep the person it is for out of that group and make a second, smaller one with them in it. Two chats sounds like more work and is far less, because you stop editing every message before you send it.

Money before ideas, always

This is what quietly ruins hens, and it always goes the same way. Somebody suggests a weekend abroad, four people cannot afford it, and rather than say so they become mysteriously unavailable. You lose them and never find out why.

So ask first, privately, one message each: what is the most you would want to spend on this, all in. Take the lowest answer seriously rather than averaging it away, then build to that number.

Write down what it covers and what it does not. The gap between ninety pounds and ninety pounds plus drinks plus a taxi plus a gift is exactly where resentment grows.

Ask three questions, then stop asking

Roughly when. Roughly how many. And the one worth more than all your planning put together: is there anyone who absolutely must be there, and anyone who absolutely must not.

After that, decide things. Most people being celebrated want to be surprised by the detail, not consulted on the catering. A shortlist of four venues is not a treat, it is homework.

A one-day hen that works

Everyone can come, nobody needs a hotel, and it still feels like an occasion.

• 11:00 Meet somewhere with coffee and no agenda, twenty minutes of hello
• 12:00 One activity, booked, with a start time
• 14:30 Lunch, sitting down, booked weeks ago. This is where the day happens
• 16:30 The gap: an hour of nothing, on purpose
• 18:00 Dinner, then whatever the group wants. Some will go home, and that is allowed
• 22:00 See the guest of honour home, and end it while it is still good

A weekend, if the group is close and spread out

More time, more cost, and more people who cannot come. Worth it when it is the right group.

• Friday evening: arrive, drop bags, eat within the hour. Nobody bonds while hungry
• Friday night: something low-key at the house rather than opening at full speed
• Saturday morning: breakfast together, non-negotiable, it sets the day
• Saturday midday: the big activity, booked and paid, confirmed by phone the day before
• Saturday afternoon: genuinely free time. People nap, swim, wander, recover
• Saturday evening: the main dinner, which is where the photograph everybody keeps comes from
• Sunday: slow breakfast, clear up together, leave on a high rather than a hangover

The guest list is a kindness, not a compliment

Invite the people the person getting married wants there, not the people who would be offended. A hen is not a wedding and it does not owe anybody a seat.

Mothers and mothers-in-law: ask directly rather than guess. Some are waiting to be asked and some are dreading it, and you cannot tell from outside.

If the group does not know each other, open with something where talking is the activity. Never start with anything that needs you to be good at something in front of strangers.

The five things that actually go wrong

All five are avoidable and all five are common.

• A booking with cancellation terms nobody read before money was collected
• Eleven people and no table, at eight on a Saturday, in a city
• A passport with five months left. Six months is the rule for most of Europe
• A theme instead of an instruction. Do not say boho, say flat shoes, it is a boat, bring a jumper
• No slack. Build in an hour of nothing, or it comes out of the part everyone looked forward to

The checklist

Counted back from the hen itself, not the wedding.

• Ten weeks: agree who is planning it, ask the three questions, start both chats
• Nine weeks: private budget message to every guest, lowest number wins
• Eight weeks: offer two dates, pick one, never move it again
• Seven weeks: choose the shape, book accommodation, read the cancellation terms
• Six weeks: invitations out with the real all-in cost written down
• Five weeks: book the food, book the activity, pay the deposits
• Three weeks: collect the money, check every passport if you are leaving the country
• One week: send the plan, times, address, what to wear, both phone numbers
• The day before: confirm every booking by phone
• On the day: one person on the plan, one on the money, neither of them the guest of honour